Three Fewer “Shoulds,” Ten More Smiles: Simplifying the Season for Executive Function Success
- kswellman3
- Dec 11, 2025
- 4 min read
Updated: Jan 5
The holidays can turn even the calmest parent into a “we should…” machine.
We should bake cookies from scratch.
We should go to every event.
We should keep the house decorated like a catalog.
We should have perfectly behaved children.
For kids who struggle with executive function (EF) skills—planning, flexibility, transitions, emotional regulation—all those “shoulds” can quietly crank up the pressure until everyone is exhausted and melting down.
This year, what if three fewer shoulds could lead to ten more smiles?
When we simplify the season and let go of perfection, we create space for kids to shine. They can cope better with changes in routine, enjoy traditions without overload, and experience success instead of constant correction.
How Simplifying Helps Executive Function
For elementary-age kids, EF is still developing. The holidays often challenge:
Planning & Time Management – so many activities, so little structure
Flexibility – last-minute changes, new foods, unfamiliar settings
Emotional Regulation – excitement + fatigue + sugar + social demands
Task Initiation – cleanup, getting dressed, leaving the house
When we reduce the volume of demands, make plans visible, and build in breaks, we’re not “lowering the bar”—we’re making the bar realistic for their brain.
Try These “Three Fewer Shoulds”
You might choose to let go of:
One big event that always leaves everyone frazzled
Elaborate homemade everything (store-bought is okay!)
The expectation that your child will “handle it like everyone else”
Instead, lean into:
One or two meaningful traditions done calmly
More connection, fewer battles
A household where EF challenges are anticipated, not punished
Parent Holiday EF Checklist – Elementary
(Control the plan, not the child)
Use this as a grounding tool when you feel the urge to micromanage. Post it on the fridge or keep it on your phone.
This checklist gives you structure and intentionality—without turning you into a holiday drill sergeant. Your child feels safer and more successful; you feel less like you’re failing and more like you’re choosing.
As children grow, executive function challenges don’t disappear—they change shape.
In elementary school, EF support often looks like simplifying schedules, reducing demands, and building predictable routines so kids can stay regulated and successful. Parents naturally do more for their children because their brains still need that scaffolding.
But as kids move into middle school, high school, and eventually college, the work shifts. The holidays are no longer just about managing overstimulation and transitions. They become a delicate balance of togetherness and independence, structure and autonomy, guidance and trust.
Trim the To-Do List, Not the Joy: Helping Your Child Shine Without Micromanaging
In high school and college students, the holidays bring a different kind of tension. You finally have them home…but they’re tired, behind on sleep, maybe worried about grades, and ready for independence. You want to soak up time together, keep traditions alive, and also nudge them toward better habits. It’s a lot.
If your teen or college student struggles with executive function—planning, organizing, starting tasks, self-advocacy—it can be tempting to slide right back into manager mode:
“Did you email your professor?”
“Have you applied for that job?”
“You need to fix your sleep schedule.”
The intention is love. But constant monitoring can turn the holiday into a performance review instead of a reset.
Trimming your to-do list—not the joy—means you focus on what matters most: connection, a few key expectations, and opportunities for your child to practice independence with your support in the background.
From Manager to Coach
For teens and young adults, EF growth happens when they:
Make a plan (even a flawed one)
Try it out
Reflect on what worked and what didn’t
Adjust going forward
Your role:
“My job is to instill confidence that I believe my child can be successful independent of me. That means I can’t swoop in and rescue or control every scenario to pave the way. I step back, ask questions that help my child create a plan, and give them space to execute it.”
You’re still present. You’re just not running the show.
Parent Holiday EF Checklist – High School & College
(Control your approach, not their every move)
This checklist lets you feel anchored and intentional without turning you into a full-time supervisor. You focus on what you can truly control—your expectations, your communication, your boundaries—and create space for your teen or college student to practice being the adult they’re becoming.
The Importance of Connection
During the holiday season, it’s crucial to prioritize connection over perfection. This means engaging in meaningful conversations, sharing experiences, and creating memories together.
Encourage your child to express their feelings and thoughts. This can help them feel valued and understood. When they know they can communicate openly, it fosters a sense of security.
Embracing Flexibility
Flexibility is key during the holidays. Plans may change, and unexpected events can arise. Teaching your child to adapt to these changes is an essential life skill.
Instead of stressing over last-minute changes, embrace them. Use these moments as opportunities to teach resilience and problem-solving.
Celebrating Small Wins
Recognizing and celebrating small achievements can boost your child's confidence. Whether it’s completing a task or simply managing their emotions, acknowledging these moments reinforces positive behavior.
Create a tradition of sharing what went well each day during the holidays. This can help shift the focus from stress to gratitude and joy.
Conclusion
As the holiday season approaches, remember that simplifying your approach can lead to a more enjoyable experience for both you and your child. By letting go of unrealistic expectations and focusing on connection, you can create a nurturing environment that supports their executive function development.
This year, consider how three fewer “shoulds” can lead to ten more smiles. Embrace the joy of the season and allow your child to thrive in their own unique way.
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